Strange things happen when you step out of your comfort zone

Having just written a letter to Mr Stinson and carrying on from the revalations promised in my last post, I thought I would talk about some of my deepest insecurities, for your amusements only.

The truth is that occasionallt I really miss you, all you lovely people from home who know me for what I am and love me for it. Indeed you are my home, and at the moment I'm just wandering a little.

The problem seems to be with lack of confidence or safety. When I'm with the boys I'm quite happy to accost random strangers with yelps of yes mate, of to hollow out so many loaves of bread. Few people round these parts fully understand that of me, and i get the feeling that everone just points and stares. It's not endearing, it's just weird. I played a friend some of And My Eccentric Face and it was met with a horror blank face followed by a suggestion that I was some kind of pervert. But this is me, this is what I do but somehow I feel ashamed of my whole self.

On a serious note though I sometimes find it a real struggle, shifting between different identities for different social occasions. I feel that I often censor myself in the fear that I provoke an unexpected response of offend someone. I know that we all do this kind of thing to an extent, that we all have a work face etc, but it bothers me sometimes. I don't know which version of me to be to be the most socially acceptable.

Yesterday I spent the whole day arguing with myself about whether I should go to a pancake party I had been invited to, simply because I had over analysed the text message too much and I was scared that I would be awkward and say something stupid. I decided that I would reply to the invite saying that I may not be able to make it as I wasn't sure where the location was and I had to rise for work at 6 am the next day. I decided that it was it was better to feign apathy than to admit the fear burning in my stomach. I knew that that was the best thing to do. I thought that eventually with some practice I would master the art of shifting my personality according to social context.

But somewhere in the back of my head I heard the voice of Danny Wallace, whose book on the subject I can highly recommend, urging me to embrace yes. And so I went to the party! I got lost on the way and wandered the streets for nearly an hour, I stood there awkwardly sipping my Coke and sweating over my pancake next to a bloke whose dreams I had shattered in conversation after stating that I didn't really follow football and then who ignored me for the rest of the night. And yes I said stupid things, namely that the hosts dog looked strangely kickable, demonstrated that you could get away with lying to people on the basis that most people can't remember what thet were doing 10 years ago and that Mikhail Gorbachev when losing his hair must have been given the shock of his life when he noticed his birthmark. But it was OK.

I learnt an important lesson in this, that you should be able to just be yourself and if people don't understand you and that means that you have to stand awkwardly in silence with them, then so be it! It's a hard challenge to live up to but maybe there is something to it.

Strange things happen when you step out of your comfort zone. But I guess it's just what happens when you step out on your own.

(just realised that ryhmes and is a little cheeesy... nevermind though)

From your friend, the chronic worrier,

Goodnight